Like many wives, mine doesn’t understand how I can justify, let alone enjoy, watching grown men do bodily harm to each other just to win a contest, even though it’s been in the male DNA for millennia. She has a hard time understanding a lot of things I do because she has a condition that affects her judgment. She doesn’t have ADHD, which I understand is treatable. She has advanced-stage HGTV.
My wife can watch people remodel houses, paint bedrooms, refinish floors and tear out old plumbing for hours. She won’t admit she has a problem, and quickly points out that her addiction isn’t hurting anybody else. She and the crack-smoking mayor of Toronto should watch “Love It or List It” together.
Needless to say, I’m as bewildered by her viewing habits as she is by mine. I’m a DIY kind of guy, and after I’ve mowed the lawn and cleaned the gutters, I want to get as far away from my Home and Garden as possible. I want to relax by watching a bunch of no-neck millionaires fight over a ball, and if a comely cheerleader jiggles across the screen I won’t complain. Watching a chatty woman paint a bathroom isn’t my idea of escapist fare. Been there – in fact, my fingernails are still primed.
I didn’t like house hunting when we were hunting a house. I couldn’t wait for it to be over, but apparently my wife didn’t get enough of it because now she’ll watch OTHER people hunt for a house. Will they pick the cute little fixer-upper in the ‘burbs, or the funky condo in the hip part of town? Who gives a big fat rat’s patootie? We don’t even KNOW these people! I don’t care if Bryan and Heather move to an igloo in Saskatoon. It’s not like we’re going to stay in touch. And half the time my wife gets angry enough to talk to the TV: “Oh, for God’s sake, this woman is an IDIOT. She wants a view? Of what? There’s nothing to see in this godforsaken place. If you stood George Clooney in the backyard naked this place would still be ugly.”
“Exactly,” I said. “So why do you want to spend time with IDIOTS when you could be watching Honey Boo Boo with ME?”
I asked her why she likes the remodeling shows so much, and she said, “I get ideas.” So I walk in one day and she’s watching a brutally handsome, muscular guy in a tank top, and he’s been vigorously remodeling, so he’s moist, glistening with sweat, and there’s a long, muscular hank of hair falling over his forehead; it’s obviously his real hair, too – pretty disgusting. He’s tearing out some kitchen cabinets with a virile sledgehammer, and I’m thinking, ‘What kind of ideas are you getting, honey?’ I mean, I try to keep an open mind about things, but if I come home and there’s a glistening male model in my house doing anything at all with a sledgehammer, we’re going to have a problem.
I offered to re-grout the bathtub in my Speedo, but she just told me to hush, she was getting ideas.
Mack will be the headliner at the Comedy Caravan Dec. 12-15. Reach him at This email address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it. .