Boats, Cars, and my “Goodbye” to Dating

Well, it is official – after seven wonderful months, another relationship, down the toilet.  On the positive side, I have never had an exclusive relationship last for more than six months, which is a shame. But this one lasted one month longer, which was a personal accomplishment. Due to the seriousness, personal longevity and love poured into this relationship, it was by far my hardest breakup in recent history.  I pride myself on the ability to grapple with life’s most elusive struggles: addiction, finance, religion, scrambled eggs ... these are the life mysteries in which I have a proficient winning percentage. But relationships? Consistent failure.  At this point, any regular reader of this column would anticipate an analysis of my shortcomings related to the current topic, but I will spare the breakdown of the symptom and explain the solution to the ailment. I am kissing dating “Goodbye .”

Why?  Well, it has a lot to do with building boats. If one fancies himself a boat builder , he builds the boat, but the boat is not made to just admire in a show room. He must take his boat to sea. This person never knows the craftsmanship of his boat until heavy waves hit it, testing its fortitude. Say a storm comes along and destroys the boat. Any self-respecting boat maker will rebuild his boat, tweaking the portions of the apparatus that caused it to sink. Say a boat builder follows this strategy about seven times, to no avail, only to see his seventh boat sink into the abyss. He is then confronted with two realistic options – build another boat, tweak it and hope it floats for an eternity – or build a car.

Well folks, this boat builder has switched to automobile assembly .

Simply put, I am not saying goodbye to companionship, just the empirical strategy of “Dating.” Common dating is meeting someone, seeing them casually, seeing them exclusively, unearthing incompatibility, breaking up, and continuing this vicious cycle until you meet “The One .” This is painful, and I am awful at execution, so I refuse to participate any longer.

So, let’s talk cars. Here is the plan: I will just be single. I will enjoy my gift of singleness. I will spend more time with friends and family. I will utilize the awesome mobility of my singleness, like hanging out with three different social circles in one day ... only a person with no responsibilities can pull such tricks.

And lastly, I will put major effort into having friends that are girls, not girlfriends. Solid relationships with the opposite sex built on the acceptance of each other’s benefits and faults on a level devoid of risk and high expectations opens up a different possibility – for a relationship to mature out of a serene friendship and not out of common dating dynamics.

So, I urge anyone who’s tired of rebuilding faulty boats to start building cars.