As part of my quest to be universally revered, I avoid controversial subjects in this column and keep certain opinions to myself. I can’t even say if I support President Obama, for example, or share the views of his opponents who believe every family should own a machine gun and women’s wombs should be managed by religious fanatics. I can’t risk losing the respect of my readers who think Mitch McConnell is even vaguely interested in anything but Mitch McConnell. So I have to stay neutral.
That said, I feel a moral obligation to stick my neck out and declare that I think gay people should have some rights. There, I said it. I was pleasantly surprised to learn that gays are already allowed to vote, so that’s a big hurdle. They can also drink from the same water fountains as the rest of us, because a) it’s hard to tell them apart from regular people; and b) the red party candidate – who last year said rape victims can “shut down” a pregnancy by listening to some straight talk by Rush Limbaugh – just reversed his position on yet another issue and conceded that it’s very difficult to catch homosexuality from a water fountain. Apparently, he’s not sure about toilet seats.
But attitudes are shifting – e.g., seven-foot NBA players outing themselves – so I’ll go even further and say that everybody in the LGBT community (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transmission specialists) should be treated almost like normal people, because sometimes you can hardly tell the difference. I mean, Rosie O’Donnell, sure (was ANYBODY surprised?), but Anderson Cooper? Really? Don’t we have laws about anchorpeople? Would Walter Cronkite have been the most trusted man in America if we’d known he sometimes wore chaps and knew all the words to “YMCA”? I don’t think so.
As for same-sex marriage, well, that’s a sticky bouquet. Sure, we have the problematic “liberty and justice for ALL” clause that just complicates the heck out of everything. But we don’t want to do something that immediately nullifies all normal marriages and rots America from the inside. Fox News has already reported about a gay married couple who moved into a Massachusetts neighborhood full of normal people. Every wedding ring within 10 blocks turned to salt and dissolved, and at least two dozen good Christian penises withered and fell right off. So if same-sex marriage goes national, there’ll hardly be any Christian penises left, just a bunch of heathen willies doing whatever they want with people who can’t even have babies.
I’m conflicted, so I’m looking for guidance from somebody who’s completely trustworthy, like Catholic priests. They say that men and women should marry only each other because only they can have babies. That upset my friends Walter and Irma, both in their 70s, who want to get married. Irma wants to do the right thing, but thinks she’s too old to chase a toddler again. So she’s going to a reproductive specialist in hopes of giving birth to a high school sophomore. I’d like them to be happy, because they love each other. But, come on. What kind of world would it be if we just let everybody do that?