Mercury Retrograde

Those of you who are astrologically astute probably know that for the next few weeks (at least until April 23 and not totally ending until somewhere around May 15) we are going to be smack in the middle of one of the more annoying planetary aspects the zodiac sees fit to inflict on us. I’m talking about Mercury Retrograde, an occurrence that takes place at least three times a year when the planet Mercury appears to be traveling backward. This is annoying, not only because the planet seems to be defying physics, but also because it’s a time of delay, frustration and general weirdness. A lot of road rage can happen during Mercury Retrograde, as well as computers crashing, long lines at the ticket counter and discovering that your mail has been routed to someone with the same name in Australia.

 

As someone who simply cannot find that so-called Western Civilized Resolve to NOT believe in astrology, I admit that I’m a little perplexed about Mercury Retrograde. For one thing, all planets except the sun and moon – which aren’t really planets – go retrograde at one time or another and (allegedly) influence us with all kinds of interesting moods and situations. The kind of mood and situation depends on the astrological sign through which a particular retrograding planet is traveling. How it relates to you personally has to do with your astrological chart.

 

And speaking of MY chart, I don’t even know if retrograde side effects apply to me because I was BORN during a period of Mercury Retrograde. My mother can attest to this fact, as I was born later than expected, after putting her through two days of labor pains. Mom likes to say that I overslept and, while I’m in no position to dispute that, I can say that from a Mercury Retrograde standpoint, I was probably true to form. I ran this question by a friend of mine who was also born during Mercury Retrograde and she had no idea if it affected her or not since she was a breech birth. Confused? Yeah, me too ...

 

I once had an astrologer cast my chart and was told that I’m a Virgo with Taurus Rising and my Moon in Capricorn, all of which are Earth Signs, which means – I guess – that I would be great at landscaping. “Never mind if you can’t stand yard work,” she said. “This is about self-discovery.” She then went on to tell me about marriages that are arranged by astrological birth charts. It seems she had just started a dating service using this logic. Her fees started somewhere around $1500, but she offered me a 50 percent discount. I should have seen that one coming.

 

Well, I’m sorry to say that, without going into specifics, this period of Mercury Retrograde has lived up to its stellar infamy. I’ve been metaphysically bitch-slapped in more ways than I care to think about. It’s gotten so bad that if I weren’t hiding under my covers I wouldn’t go out without wearing goggles and an asbestos jumpsuit. But I’ve also learned from cold, bitter experience that if I’m ever advised it’s an excellent time to play the lottery, or that I’m going to meet the woman of my dreams, I’ll keep the credit card tucked away and not try to force destiny.